Conversations With Finn
by littlee0618
Summary: Finn & Rachel were on the verge of having it all. They were back together, had the world at their fingertips and had been ready to put the past behind them and move on with life. And then tragedy strikes and all Rachel is left with is a memory of the man she loved and a baby growing inside of her who she hopes will look exactly like their father.
1. Getting Used To It All

I talk to him sometimes.  
Well, I talk to him all the time.  
I lay in bed, and I talk to him. I tell him about my day and things I had done and seen.  
I tell him just how much I miss him, his voice, his laugh, his smell. I tell him how I miss how he used to wrap his big, strong arms around me. I tell him how I miss having to stand on my tiptoes, just to place a kiss full on his lips. I tell him how much I love him more than life, how I miss laying my head on his chest and listening to his heart beat, strong and steady - or fast after we made love.  
I tell him how much I wish he was here.  
I tell him how much I need him right now.  
I tell him how I wish our child would have had a chance to know him.  
I tell him how I wish I had had a chance to tell him we were having a baby.  
I tell him how I wish that he hadn't had to go that night, hadn't had to go and play that gig in that sketchy bar across town just to help pay the rent.  
I tell him how much I need him. And how much I miss him and everything reminds me of him. I let him know how much my heart aches because I would never get to kiss his lips again. Never get to play with the hair on the back of his neck as I stared into his eyes. Never get to just simply tell him _I love you. _

Our conversations are pretty lengthy some nights, depending on the day, the hour and how I'm feeling. Morning sickness kicks my ass most of the time and I'm exhausted. But I need to talk to him. I need to remember what it's like to feel safe. I only feel safe when I'm talking to him. It reminds me so much of when we were together, back in the very beginning when I talked so much and he didn't have a chance to get a word in at all. It reminds me of when he would pretend to listen to me. I can even imagine the glazed over look his eyes would get when I would go off on one of my tirades about God knows what.

You see, when Finn died...we were just starting to get back on track. He'd finished college with a degree in education and had just moved to New York to be with me. We'd moved out of the apartment I had shared with Kurt and Santana and found ourselves a small two bedroom apartment we could manage for the most part on our own. He'd gotten a steady gig at a seedy bar downtown performing acoustic sets and was paid half decently for it, all the while he scoured every school district within a large radius of our shoebox apartment looking for a teaching job of any sort. He had wanted so badly to succeed, to make me proud and little did he know he already had.

That was another thing I always told him during our talks. I told him how proud he made me. Every time I looked at his college degree hanging on the wall in the living room I got a tingle, knowing he had finally succeeded at doing something _he _alone wanted to do, though knowing him he would debate that for hours on end. I knew what he would say, that he did it for me, did it for our future. So I tell him he would have been one hell of a teacher, the finest New York had ever seen. And that I was so proud of him, cause effectively - I was and still am. Probably always would be. He was _Finn. _

He had accomplished so much in his short life. I'd like to think that I, rather our relationship, was one of his greatest accomplishments, second only to the life growing inside me. I'm so sure Finn would have loved this baby more than he loved grilled cheese and breathing. He would have been the best father in the world and I know this because he was the best fiancée, best lover and best friend that I had ever and will ever have. He would have loved to get down on the floor and play, teach our child about music and how to play the drums. He would've taught them to just love and enjoy life. He would have been our child's best friend.

During our conversations, I also make him a lot of promises. I promise him that I was going to do everything in my power to stay healthy. Not that I wasn't before, but I know if he was here with me, that would be one of his main concerns. He would make sure I ate all three meals (cause I often skipped breakfast in favour of a simple coffee while running out the door for an audition), take my vitamins, relax and even more so - enjoy myself. I promise him that I would take care of our baby, make sure he or she was safe and secure and above all else felt loved. The little thing had only been inside me for 13 weeks, and I already feel like it has been around forever, always a part of me. I promise that I would teach our child about their father. Let he or she (I hate saying, _it) _know how great he was, what kind of man he had been and how deeply he loved me and how much I knew he would have loved them as well.

I also promise him that I'll keep singing. I don't promise to stay on Broadway because at this juncture I'm not sure any production was going to hire a woman who was so deep in grief and very much pregnant. I promise to keep singing because I know just how much he loved it, he told me every day how much he loved listening to me sing around the apartment, even when it was totally off key or positively perfect. He always told me how much he loved my voice. He always told me how much he loved _me._

I promise him that I will never forget him. Pretty cliché and I know it will be hard to forget him, especially with our child growing inside of me. But I still promise it. Because I know I need to say it, whether or not he can hear me and I strongly want to believe that he can hear me. I need him to hear me. Because I still need him so incredibly much, more now than ever.


	2. Baby Hudson & Money

A/N: Just thought I would add - Brody never happened in this story. And Finn passed away once they were back together and he was done school.

Happy Reading!

**Chapter 2**

I lay in bed, our bed and run my hand over my slightly swollen stomach and sigh. It had been an incredibly long day and my emotions were about at the end of an incredibly tight rope.  
"Finn" I whisper in the dark room. I can hear for myself that my voice is thick filled with the unshed tears from the stress of today. "I really need you today"  
And I start to talk. It had been a long day. Work had been trying and that was putting it mildly. I taught piano and voice down at the conservatory not far from our apartment building. The morning sickness was starting to life, just as the movements from our child began. They were so slight that I had nearly missed it the first time it happened, but now my hands were constantly on my swollen belly, in wait for the next movement from our child. Our son.  
When the doctor told me I was carrying a boy, I felt a shiver as soon as the words from the technicians lips met my ears. Almost as if Finn had been in the room with me, watching and learning at the same time I was - just as he should have been, before that drunk driver claimed the life of my fiancée and my son's father.

I tell Finn all about our son. I tell him what it feels like to feel him flutter in my otherwise open stomach, our boy had tons of room to grow right now but I'm sure that will change in the coming weeks. A big part of me couldn't wait to grow bigger, feel our son more and more and just be able to connect with him. But part of me didn't want to either. It would signify all that I didn't have any more. It would signify the enormity of my loss. I don't have Finn. I don't have anyone to rub my back, rub my feet or draw a bath to calm my already sore muscles. I was only 18 weeks along, and already I felt like my body was going to go and die on me. But I had to soldier on. I promise Finn I would do it. For him, for our baby, for me. And for the rest of our family who miss him almost as desperately as I do. I feel the tears well in my eyes as I divulge all of this to Finn as if he was right next to me. I shut my eyes tight and imagine his long body laying beside me, spooning me from behind and feeling our son flutter on the inside. I imagine him pressing appreciative kisses along my next that eventually would have turned to more. I need him. I crave him. And I can't have him. But it doesn't change how much I miss him, so much that it physically hurts.

I tell him about our son, how perfect he looks and how I'm almost certain I can tell he's going to have my nose. I tell him how it looks like he has his big head and big feet. I tell him about how, even though I don't look like I'm showing _that _much that the doctor thinks that he's going to be a big boy if his early measurements were any indication. Tall, just like his father. And that made me smile even though my heart was breaking.

I tell Finn all about how I talk to his mother on the phone at least every other day. I tell him how she reacted when I told her that the grandchild I was carrying was a boy. I tell him about how she cried, sobbed really which had led to my own breakdown on the long distance call. I tell him even though I'm sure he's already heard it from his mother about how excited she was that her first and only grandchild was a boy, how excited she was because she was so sure he would remind her of all things good and pure and above all else he would remind her of Finn himself.

I tell him about how I want to give our son a strong name, something to reflect the kind of person I want him to be and to reflect the great man his father had been. I tell Finn to just give me some help on that one, because I wanted it to be perfect. It had to be perfect. Because our son was perfect.

But I also tell him under no circumstances am I naming our child Drizzle. For one, because that had been Beth's original nickname (before it was determined she was a Puckerman and not a Hudson, that is) and for the very fact that it wouldn't mean the same if he wasn't going to be here to call him that. Another condition is that there is no way I will name our child Jacob. For one, I teach a Jacob piano and he is nothing short of a hellion. Also, and I chuckle as I tell Finn this - Jacob Ben Isreal hadn't exactly been kind to us in high school.

I tell him mostly about the baby. And how excited I am. But I also tell him how scared I am. So scared that I'm not strong enough for this. Not strong enough to raise this boy on my own.

And I tell him things I know that if he was here he would worry about. Like how I was doing with money. It helped to voice it, as if he was listening because it helped sort it out in my own head too. He always worried about money. Even when we were apart, him back in Ohio at OSU and me here, he would always make sure I was okay. He worked hard, then and up until his death and never let me go without even though I often had argued that I didn't need new tights or the organic bananas. When we were living apart, he would cover his living expenses which weren't much he always swore because he had managed to get a scholarship from football and then put over half of what was left in my bank account. He had never wanted me to worry as much as he did. It was how he had thought things were supposed to work. At first it had aggravated me but that I learned it was just one of the many and what some might have thought as unconventional ways he told me he loved me.

So I tell him how his mother had had a small life insurance policy for him. When she and Burt had gotten married, they had taken them out on the four of them to give everyone a piece of mind. What they hadn't anticipated was having to cash Finn's out so soon.

I tell him how I had argued with her that the money wasn't mine. How it was hers. I tell him how you had been her son. But she told me that I was your life. I was the one you lived for. I was the one you breathed for everyday, even when we were apart so many times during high school and then during college. She told me, this is what you would have wanted. It was modest, but it would help, at least for the duration of my pregnancy and for the baby's first year.

And it does. I don't have to worry about not making rent at the end of the month because I refuse to move. I want to hang on to this apartment as long as I can. This was our home Finn, and it needs to be our sons home too. And I was doing okay. I promise Finn, I'm doing okay.


	3. 26 & Visits

**A/N - My apologies for deleting the chapter. Hadn't realized it was so short. I'm still trying to get my barrings with this story and ultimatly figure out where I'm going with it. Bear with me, I haven't written fan fiction in really...forever. Last time I did Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey were still married. Points if you can remember how long ago that was! Anyways, Hope you like it...if you have any ideas or suggestions or even prompts for new story don't be afraid to shoot me a PM! I'm up for anything! **

**And also - ownership is obviously all Ryan Murphy and Co's...I only own the baby, I guess. Anywho...on with the show! **

RIP Cory /3

**

**Chapter 3**

26 weeks. Finn, I never knew time could fly by so quickly. Life is busy and it's scary how fast things are going and ho w much BIGGER your son is getting. I say your son, cause well he's pressing on my organs all the time and quite frankly it's annoying. I'm sure he has inherited your height and that's why he insists on driving me insane. But I'm telling you this cause I'm scared. Kurt and Blaine have been going with me to prenatal classes that Dr. Boyer suggested I enroll in and this whole business is terrifying. I really wish you were here Finn. I need you so much it hurts. I don't really know how I'm going to do this myself. I don't know how I'm going to bring him into the world without you there. I don't know how I'm going to manage to bring him home, here without you. I miss your amazing backrubs, I miss the way your face lit up when I tell you I love you. I miss everything about you and so does your son, even though he isn't even here yet and he didn't even get to hear your voice.

Kurt and Blaine have been amazing though. They actually moved into the apartment across the hall from ours, leaving Santana and her new girlfriend (Yes, new girlfriend. Dani is the flavour of the month - though I hope she stays around because she seems to be good for Santana) with the loft. But back to your brother and Blaine. They've been amazing. Every time I call them, they're here in a flash. Before they leave for the day, they check in and make sure I'm alright and have everything I need. They make sure I'm taken care of and don't let me go anywhere alone. But there is one place I can't bring them. I cannot bring them to come to my appointments with me. I know, I can hear you chuckling almost and God I wish you were here to laugh at me. But that office, that should've been our special place. Our first bonding place with our son. But that has been ripped from me, from us. And I just can't share it with others - even if they are our son's uncles. I just can't.

You've been gone for 20 weeks Finn and it still hurts. it still feels like the night I got that call, waking me from my sleep, telling me you were in critical condition and on your way to the hospital because some asshole had t-boned our car from your side and you were broken.

I hate that you're not here with me. I hate that driver who got to walk away with nothing more than a concussion and what I assume now would have been the worst hangover of his life.

I hate that our son isn't going to know you. I hate all the missed opportunities he's going to have because he will not physically have a father.

I hate everything about this situation except for the fact that this little boy is growing in my stomach like a weed.

I hate that as much as everyone says it will, this is NOT getting any easier. It will never get any easier.

Kurt and Blaine bought me headphones to put on my stomach and made me a compilation cd of all of our performances from glee club. Our son kicks hardest during Jesse's Girl and Here's To Us. I find the irony in that sort of comforting. Our beginning and our end, in glee club that is. I'm telling you this cause, Finn, gosh you should feel how hard he kicks. It's amazing.

But you should be here. And that's the one thing that keeps me up at night. I miss you so God Damn much, it hurts.

It hurts getting up in the middle of the night because _your_ son is lying on my bladder and not finding you laying peacefully on the mattress beside me. I miss not hearing your little snores in the middle of the night, I miss the heat your body gives off while you're sleeping. I miss **YOU** Finn Hudson. I miss you.

*  
I visit you sometimes. It's harder now, your son's presence in my body makes it harder to get places. And Kurt and Blaine are really hesitant to let me go out on my own. But I need to feel close to you. It's getting colder out, the holidays will be here soon and life is about to get harder. But it won't stop me from visiting you. I don't want you to be lonely.

When you died Finn, your Mom and I had a long discussion about where you would be buried. I had said you should be laid to rest in Lima - it had been your hometown, where we first fell in love. But your Mom had said for you to be buried here, in New York. She had reasoned, that New York had been your home because your home would always be where I was. She had assured me, she had her memories of you back in Lima - the elementary, middle and high school and many other places where we...we were just starting to make memories here. I had promised her that New York was where I would always be, it was our home. I want our son to grow up here.

It still shatters my heart when I see your headstone. You shouldn't **BE **a headstone yet Finn. You should be here, with me, living, breathing. But you're not and it's literally killing me. But I digress. I'm sure you can see, I'm cleaning up your plot - pulling weeds, straightening the place. On my last visit I had brought Kurt, and he had helped me plant red and white flowers that he had promised were the kind that would bloom every year. It doesn't look like much right now but I promise I'm going to keep it beautiful. Just like your soul had been.

It feels weird to be here. I touch your headstone, run my fingers over the engraving of the words  
_Finn Hudson  
1994-2013  
Devoted Fiancée, Brother, Son and Father.  
_Your mom had insisted on adding _father. _And I guess she's right. You're a father Finn. You will always be our little boy's Father. And he will know you, I'll make sure of it. That's a promise.

During this visit, I just sit. And read. Kurt made me bring a blanket to sit on. It is cold, did I mention that? I know you used to love the cold. When I picture you, in heaven, I picture you on a mountain top somewhere all decked out in snow gear with a shovel in your hand, shoveling the driveway. That was our dream wasn't it? To own our own house in some New Jersey suburb with our own yard and driveway, so that you could shovel like you did back in Lima.  
But you sacrificed so we could live closer to Broadway. Well, this had been our start. And I couldn't dream of leaving this apartment now. This is where our story was supposed to begin, and yours ended. It will be my own safe haven.

So I sit. And I read. Because being here makes me feel like in some way I'm closer to you. I'm wearing your hoodie under my coat. It's pretty much one of the only things that fits comfortably over my growing bump and I refuse to buy my own. Wearing them, today it's the blue and red one - makes me feel closer to you. Because more than anything I need to feel closer to you. It's the only way I can feel secure.

Today's book is a baby name book. I've come here, to try and find the perfect name. Here, with your sweater and by your headstone I can almost feel your presence. Here I'm cloaked in you - and I need you more than I have in the last few weeks right at the moment. I don't want to rush - but people keep asking if I've named him yet, your Mom and Burt especially. I know they just want to be able to call him something, other than just their grandson. Right now I'm just calling him Pal, because really - I could totally picture you calling him that and that gives me such comfort. I can even hear your saying it if I think about it hard enough. You'd laugh.

I've told you before, I want to give him a strong name. But more than anything I want your name to be somewhere in our sons name. And I know you wanted your father's name to be incorporated as well - so that is almost a given. But he needs a first name. I just don't know.

_ Finn Christopher Hudson.

Why is this so hard, Finn? I flipped the pages just as a strong wind blew. The pages flipped and my breath caught.

Liam.  
It means strong willed warrior.  
Our boy would be our warrior, Liam Finn Christopher Hudson. And in a way, a nod to where it all started. Lima, Ohio.

That strong wind, it was you wasn't it? You named our boy...I ran my hands over my large stomach - God, I still had close to 14 weeks left and he...Liam, was already huge. But he had a name. And I could just feel...that you liked it too.


	4. HUGE

_A/N - Hi Guys! Thanks so much for your great reviews! Leave me some more? _  
_I also have an idea for a story that would kind of be a flip of this one. Thinking I'm going to finish this one first and then move on to that, we'll see._

And as always, all ownership belongs to Ryan Murphy & Co. I own Liam.

**Chapter 4**

Finn, I don't know...well I do know. I know you can see me.  
I'm **HUGE**.  
Your son, is **HUGE**.  
I'm 32 weeks, today actually, and **YOUR **son is measuring just over 18 inches long and is estimated to be close to five pounds. Do you understand how uncomfortable this is? According to all the books I've read, that your mother has so kindly sent me, **YOUR ** son shouldn't be that long until a few weeks from now and well...it should be a few weeks before he measures over 5 pounds. I feel like I'm going to explode Finn, you don't even know. You'll be proud to know, that it looks like his also, how could I put this without being crude...all boy? I know if you were here you'd get a kick out of that.  
My stomach is tight and so itchy. Quinn lectured me on the benefits of cocoa butter but it still doesn't help how uncomfortable I feel.  
Have I mentioned lately how your son also enjoys using my insides as a punching bag? As I'm talking to you he's currently beating the shit out of my kidneys with what I can only assume is his fist. I can feel his back curving along the curve of my bump, which while extremely weird, is so cool at the same time.

I miss you Finn. I miss cuddling with you, I miss you telling me how beautiful I am to you, how sexy I am because in this moment, I need to hear that more than anything. I mean, Kurt and Blaine always tell me I look fantastic but it's just not the same in the least. It's just weird hearing it from them, cause well, they just don't understand. They've been so great, but I'm sure I haven't been the easiest person to be around the last two weeks. My hormones are raging Finn, and by raging I mean RAGING. I cannot wait for Liam to come, because I cannot handle being so out of control of my own emotions for much longer.

My dads are flying in to New York in a little under a month. I'm looking forward to them being here but at the same time, I'm...I'm ...it makes me sad. Them arriving, means it's almost time for Liam to arrive which just means it's been THAT long since I felt your arms around me.

This was supposed to everything we ever dreamed of Finn. This was supposed to be our happy ending. Instead, I feel like I'm living in a gigantic nightmare, one of those mind altering ones that make you believe so easily that the reality of the dream is real. Only it is real. Liam is the one thing anchoring me reality, keeping me from throwing myself into the worst depression of my life. I need to be present, I need to be here. And I strongly believe that Liam's what is saving me Finn. I honestly don't know how I'd be holding it together if I didn't feel all the kidney shots, all the time.

*

I need a hug Finn. I'm feeling so out of sorts, and no one is answering their phones. Kurt and Blaine are at work, Quinn's phone went right to voice mail and let's face it, Santana doesn't understand. I can't talk to my Dad's about this, their men and just try to placate me. I called your Mom's, but Burt told me she was out running errands. And as much I love Burt, because I do not just because of the man he was to you - he understands even less than my father's.

I went to the doctor today and your son has just gotten, well - bigger. At 38 weeks pregnant now, apparently Liam is measuring at over 20 inches long and close to 8.5 pounds. Dr. Boyer tried to reassure me that it was just an estimation, but he doesn't know how it feels. I can feel this baby and I can just tell he's huge. And the closer I get to his due date, the more terrified this makes me. And I could tell by the look on his face that Dr. Boyer is concerned too. I'm a small woman Finn, I know you know this. I can almost hear the snicker in your voice. It's what you always loved about me, or so you would always tell me. You loved how well I fit at your side, how small my hands were when you'd clutch them over our heads when we made love...I'm getting sidetracked. I'm a small woman Finn, and our son is huge. I'm terrified about bringing him into the world. I know labor hurts, I know it sucks and it's supposed to be painful and there's drugs to overcome the pain...but I'm just scared that he's...too big for me to safely deliver. I didn't need him to bring it up because I already just knew, but Dr. Boyer brought it up at the appointment today about the option of having a c-section.  
And Finn, the thought of having major surgery to bring our son into the world terrifies me even more than the fact that it might hurt more than I ever imagined to do it the other way. I just...can I turn back time now? Please? Go back to when he was merely a bunch of cells metastasizing in me, turn back time so that I could stop you from going out on that rainy night for a lousy amount of money that we didn't really need. I would trade all the money in the world, all of our belongings - anything really to have you back here. The only thing I wouldn't trade is Liam. If I get you back, I still want Liam. I need Liam now.

Hang on Finn, there's someone at the door.  
I struggle to stand up on my own but manage. I've learned not to sit too far back, or too far away from something that will help me stand up. I'm not expecting anyone, but guests seem to migrate to our apartment often now Finn. The only ones who have a key are Kurt and Blaine, because they're the closest and I want them to have access in an emergency situation. But nonetheless, there's someone at the door.

But I'm also scared. Watch out for me?  
I open the door and sigh in relief when I see your mother standing there, a huge suitcase behind her and a big smile on her face. She wasn't supposed to be here for another week, coming in a week before my father's to help me get ready. The tears rush to my eyes so fast that I'm sure you can see them in HD from your vantage point Finn.

I've never been more relieved to see your Mother. Mainly, because in the slightest of ways she reminds me of you. You know, I didn't notice until after you were gone that you have your mother's eyes. And your mother's heart. You were your Mother's son.

I wrapped my arms around her the moment she stepped forward and immediately Liam started to kick at my ribs so hard that I had to wince. His feet at the only things he can move now. He's stretched me to the absolute capacity and there's just no more space.

"Carol" I whispered, my voice thick and heavy with emotion.  
"It's going to be okay" She whispered, looking at me. I know what she's talking about. She's talking about everything. God, I need you Finn.


	5. Welcome to the World, Liam Finn

**Wow, two updates in one day! Look at that! I wanted to write this because I had a dream last night that this is how Liam's born so I wanted to get it out before I lost the idea. Everyone belongs to Ryan Murphy except Liam.  
Happy Reading! R.I.P Cory /3**

**Chapter 5**

The big 4-0.  
I made it. I'm officially 4-0 weeks pregnant and I have no idea how I got here Finn or while we're on the topic - how I'm still standing.  
Finn Christopher Hudson this is ALL your fault. I haven't seen my feet in what feels like months and it's all your fault. Your gigantic genes have made it impossible for me to move.  
But I really haven't had a reason to move in the last two weeks. Between your mom who has been here for two weeks, my dads who arrived last week and Burt who came in last night I haven't been left alone. Which is probably a good thing because well, remember how I can't see my feet? Everyone is waiting on me, each of them taking turns staying on the couch in the living room over night to stay with me. Everyone else spends the night at a hotel. I guess when we moved in here we hadn't really planned on this happening without you here. They feel like I need constant supervision and that's fine with me. It feels good to be watched by someone who can actually do something for me physically.  
I'm sorry Finn, that probably really sounded really angry. I know if you could be here you would be. God, I miss you so much.

Dr. Boyer says if I don't go into labor by the end of the week he's going to go in and get him. I'm really hoping that doesn't happen Finn. Part of me really wants to just try...I'd always imagined you'd be here when the time came. I'd go into labor and you'd hold my hand and it would just...happen naturally, just like it does in the movies. Not the ones I saw in my class, obviously.

Your Mom has been a great help the last few weeks. She helped me debunk that there was a chance that Liam wasn't really as big as they were thinking he was (but remember, I feel like he is and that's what matters). She also shared that they had told her you would be 10 pounds at birth and you ended up being just over 8. And not to gross you out, she'd managed to do it...

I just want him out Finn. I want to hold him, and kiss him and just be able to snuggle with him. I want to see him. I just...I need THIS part to be over. I need to move on with my life. God, I need you.

They suggested I take a bath. Everyone is here right now Finn, the house is just _full _ and as much as I love them all I need some time to myself to come to grips with things. So here I am, talking to you from the bathtub. My dad filled it up for me, using the bath salts you bought me for Valentine's Day last year. God, the scent of lavender remind me of all the time we spent in this bathtub. I can almost feel your arms wrapped around me. The water pillow I'm leaning against doesn't do anything for me, God I miss how comfortable your chest was. I wish you were here Finn. You should BE here.

As I lay in the bath, instead of relaxing the back pain I had been experiencing all day seems to intensify. It hurts Finn. I would kill for one of your amazing back rubs. I'm trying to relax but this pain is really killing me right now. You can see that can't you? God, baby I need you.  
I can feel the tears prick in the corners of my eyes. I squeeze them shut and just run my hands over my tight belly, just as another stronger pain ripped up my back and front simultaneously. It causes me to suck in a breath. My ipod is playing from the dock on the counter and as another pain ripped through me a few minutes later, it changed to Adele's haunting cover of Make You Feel My Love. Your here, aren't you Finn? That song was the first song we'd made love to. I'm pretty sure it was playing during the night we conceived Liam. You're here. This song playing is enough for me to realize it. I suck in a breath just as another pain rips through me. I sit up a little straighter and hold my belly as tears roll down my cheeks. I need a minute. I don't want to alert anyone to the pain I'm feeling at the moment. I need to do something for myself. But your son has other intentions as another pain shoots through my veins.  
I bite my lip and contemplate who to yell for. Only one person can help me right now.  
"Carol!" Go get her for me Finn, please.  
I can hear feet approaching and the door opening.  
"Rachel?"  
"Carol, I think I'm in labor" A shiver coursed over my skin as the song changed on my iPod. Faithfully by Journey immediately began. Good, you're still here Finn.  
Your mom is at my side in minutes. I'm trying to hide the important bits under bubbles, but I reach for her hand and squeeze it as a pain rips through me once again. They're spaced pretty far apart still. I try to convey the pain just by looking at your Mom. I really don't know how to say it.  
"Okay, okay" She soothes. She runs her hand over my hair, kind of like you used to do. But it's just not the same. Life will never be the same. When the pain is over she lets my hand go and grabs my robe that my dad had hung behind the door. She helps me stand up, my legs shaky with the idea that maybe the moment I had been waiting for was coming. She gave me as much privacy as possible as I wrapped the robe around me. When I was fully covered she helped me out of the tub and the bathroom. She brought me to our bedroom first.

"How do you feel?" She asked as I stared down at my belly.  
"Like I'm going to explode" I tried to joke.

We let a few minutes pass in silence and I grabbed for her hand as another pain ripped through me. She looked at the clock. It had been 7 minutes since the last pain hit. I bit down on my lip and teared up when I tasted blood. This. Hurts. I felt a small trickle between my legs and immediately looked up at your Mom with fear in my eyes.  
"Did..."  
"I think my water just broke"  
"Okay, don't panic. Let's get you dressed"

I watch your Mother go to the dresser, pulling out a pair of sweatpants and going for the drawer above with my t-shirts in it. I know what she'll find in there on the very top. Your old McKinley gym shirt. She turns to look at me, holding it in her hand with tears brimming in her own eyes. I can only nod. I need you with me. There's another one in my bag, for the delivery. I don't care about what rules I'll be breaking. I need to feel you with me.

You're watching over me, right Finn? You're watching this, taking care of me? You're going to help me, right? I need you so much Finn. I just need you to be here...

Your mom takes my hand and leads me out of the bedroom. I feel, and know this will the last time I'm in there by myself (for all purposes). God, I hope this is over quickly.

As we walk out of the bedroom, I notice that your brother and Blaine are here now too. It's almost dinner time, we were supposed to all have dinner together. As soon as we enter the kitchen, where Burt is sitting at the table reading the sports section of the New York times and my dads are flittering around getting dinner read, Kurt is the first to notice that something is up. He was standing at the counter chatting with my dad about something while Blaine was digging through the fridge looking for something.

"Well" Your mom took control of the situation. "Who's going to drive us to the hospital?" With those words the room went into utter chaos. Finn, can you pull some strings and get them to chill the fuck out?

&&&

Labor sucks Finn. It's been HOURS (I'm not being dramatic, it really has been hours. Like almost 12) and I'm going NO WHERE. I've been at 6cm dilated for a good 5 hours and I can see it on Dr. Boyer's face every time he checks my progress that he's concerned. And I'm tired. I can't sleep because of the pain, I can't concentrate on anything around me, the tv, the conversations our family are having around me and trying include me in, nothing. The pain is unbearable. Imagine laying on a bed of nails Finn and having a transport truck run over you a thousand times. That's how I feel.

A mean nurse tried to make me take your t-shirt off Finn. But our family shot daggers at her as I cried. Burt escorted her out of the room and I can only assume explained the situation to her because no one brought up the t-shirt again.

I'm scared Finn. I'm scared I'm going to be a bad Mom. I'm scared I'm going to let you down. I'm going to let Liam down and he's going to suffer and have a shitty childhood because of it. Make me feel okay Finn, make me feel okay with all of this.

It's another hour later when Dr. Boyer comes back. The contractions haven't lessened but they haven't gotten worse either. I can see from my vantage point that my dilation hasn't changed either. God, why was this taking so long? I watch as he snaps off his gloves and throwing them in the trash. At the moment only my dads are in the room with me, everyone else went to grab some coffee. God, I would kill for a coffee right now.  
"Rachel, you've been stuck at 6 awhile now, it doesn't seem like labor has stalled but it also doesn't seem like it's progressing any further. That being said, it might as this is your first child. But as you know, we've been concerned about the baby's size since the beginning of your third trimester. His heartbeat is strong, but I don't really feel comfortable waiting much longer to see if labor continues..."  
"Okay" I just said. I was tired. I wanted this to be over. Dr. Boyer looked at me. A contraction roared through my body before I had a chance to say another word. "I just want him out, safely" I added. Dr. Boyer nodded. In all honestly, about 3 hours ago I had made peace with the fact that this might be the route we'd be going. I just wanted my baby now. I don't care how he comes out anymore.

But Finn, I need you to be in there with me. You know me. The thought of surgery scares the living shit out of me. What if something goes wrong? God, Finn this really sucks without you.

Things happened in a blur. I was prepped for surgery, allowed to wear my t-shirt into the room. I chose your Mom and my Dad to accompany me into the room. But they weren't allowed in until I was properly numbed. That's when everything starts to become real. As the nurse sat me up, she gave me the saddest smile. She held me still while the doctor moved my shirt and the gown aside. I winced and cried out as I felt the pinch of the need going into my back, a contraction ripping through me at the same time. Finn! I need you so much right now. The nurse helped me lay down on my back and set about setting up the barrier that would prevent me from watching my son come into the world But as soon as that was up, they let my Dad and your mother into the room. They brought what I really needed.

When I packed my hospital bag, I packed my favourite picture of you as my focal point. It's just you, a candid, leaning against the door to our bedroom with that sexy half smile that I love so much. I remember that day clearly. It was the day we'd moved into our apartment and we were exhausted. But I'd insisted on unpacking the bedroom and you obliged, because well - that's what you did. You loved me for me. Finn, I always knew how much you loved me. I just hope you know how much I love you.

They came into the room and my dad clipped the picture to the top of the curtain. Tears prick my eyes as I stare at the picture. God, Finn, why? Dr. Boyer announces that they're going to start after I let him know that I positively cannot feel the pokes he has supposedly been making on my stomach. You're watching Finn, right? This is the biggest moment of our lives. I look at your Mom, who has tears in her eyes and try to smile at her though my own eyes are becoming blurry with my own tears. I feel my dad pat my head and smile sadly at me when I look at him. He has a camera clutched in his other hand, ready to capture the moment Liam Finn Christopher Hudson comes into the world.

It seems like an eternity Finn until Dr. Boyer says the words "here he comes". Dad shoots up to capture the moment just as my face pales. I can feel them pulling him from my uterus. It's not painful, don't worry - just feels, strange.  
"He's a big boy" I hear as your Mom stands up to look. I hear a sob come from her and I immediately look at her, her face an image of pure sadness and joy all rolled into one. Just as a shrill cry blasts through the otherwise quiet room. My eye catches your picture just as Dr. Boyer brings the baby to show me quickly before he's whisked off to be cleaned.  
Finn, he is HUGE. I have to gulp, there is no way that was going to come out of me. I don't even understand how I had carried him...  
"Daddy, go..." I whisper as I stare at your picture. Do you see him Finn? Are you with him? My dad follows my directions as the cries in the room simmer down to dull whimpers. Tears are pouring out of my cheeks as your Mom sits back down beside me and takes my hand as Dr. Boyer starts to close me up.  
"God Rachel, he's beautiful" She whispers. "Thank you"  
I can't stop crying Finn. Our son is here. I can hear him crying, I know Daddy is watching him and so are you. But it doesn't change that you're not _here_ Finn. God, this sucks. I wish I could feel happy Finn. I do. I just...I could be _happier. _ You should be here baby.

As Dr. Boyer is finishing, my dad walks back over to me Liam swaddled in his arms. I look at him, expecting him to tell me all about my son.  
"9 pounds, 8oz" He said softly, leaning him down so I can kiss the baby on the cheek. I finally get a good look at him. He has your chin Finn, your nose and your forehead. His eyes are closed so I can't tell what colour they are or anything yet. "22 inches long"  
"God, they were right. I was right" I whispered. "Liam, you are just like your daddy" I tried to lift my hand enough to move his hat away. Dark hair. Baby, do you see him? He's your spitting image. God, you should be here with us Finn. This isn't fair.  
"Welcome to the World Liam Finn Christopher Hudson" I whispered kissing his head again before being wheeled to recovery. "You are so loved baby boy"

**A/N2: I'm not sure if that was all a valid reason for Liam to be delivered by c-section, and I also realize they probably wouldn't let her wear a non-hospital issued t-shirt into an operation but well it's my story and she's Rachel Berry. **


	6. Going Home

**A/N: Hey guys! Sorry for the delay! Hope you enjoy it. I'm probably going to wrap up soon, unless someone has any ideas for future chapter ideas. I have a few other story ideas flowing around but it may take me a while to get them going as life just got a heck of a lot busier! Anyways, onwards! **

**As always - ownership is Ryan Murphy and Co with the exception of Liam.**

Chapter 6

After three days in the hospital, they're finally letting me take Liam home Finn. And I couldn't be more scared. I'm terrified. I mean, for the three days he's been on this planet - out of my body I've had all the help I could imagine. Nurses that reassure me I'm doing a good job nursing, endless visits with both sets of our parents and our friends. But it's terrifying - the idea that everyone thinks I'll do okay with this baby, this human, at home. I'm going to solely responsible for his wellbeing and this...this is TERRIFYING.

I won't be totally alone. Your mom and Burt are staying for another two weeks and my dads are staying until the end of the week. But essentially, I'm on my own. I'm officially a single mother. God, Finn this isn't how I imagined my life would go. This isn't the life I imagined for our child. You're supposed to BE here Finn.

A soft cry from the isolate beside my bed interrupts my conversation with you. I got off the bed slowly, the incision in my stomach still painfully achy. But the little man with tight fists and a face that was reddening by the second made it all worthwhile.

Oh Finn, if you could just see him. He quieted as soon as I scooped him up in my arms and looked up at me with watery deep blue eyes.

"Hey baby" I whispered to the newborn as he stared back at me. "You have a good sleep? I bet your hungry" I shuffled slowly across the small space to a chair that was set in the corner. I'd discovered two days ago when I'd tried to do too much too fast that it was easier to nurse him in the recliner, the bed too high to get back up onto with Liam in my arms and the incision in my stomach. I sank down into the chair and started to adjust myself so that Liam could feed. As soon as he was settled, I let my mind go again.

Finn, I miss you. I don't know if it's my hormones, or the fact that I just delivered your child three days ago, or the reality that my son wasn't going to have a father really hit me - but baby, I just miss you. I wish you could be here to help me with this. Nursing is so difficult. I know you've seen me struggle and I wish you could just be here to just tell me that I'm doing a great job and that you love me. I miss you Finn. I need you more than I ever needed you in high school. I wish I could take back every single stupid fight and separation we had back then, if it would just give us a few more hours, days, months or even years together at this special time in our lives. I know you can see that I'm crying Finn, I can feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. I wish you were here to wipe them. I don't know if I can do this on my own Finn. I don't know if I can be a good mom. I promise I'm going to try because I know I need to be for our son. It's what you would have wanted. But God, it doesn't make it any easier.

You should see him Finn. He's your spitting image. He's you. He has your chin, your nose, your hair and your forehead. And your length. Baby, he's going to be tall I can just feel it. He's going to be taller than me before he graduates from elementary school. I cannot wait to see how his personality develops. One thing's for sure - he has your appetite. He's ALWAYS hungry.

I'm going to tell him all about you Finn. He's going to know who his father is, he'll be your legacy forever. He's your son baby. He's my little piece of you.

Liam let me know when he was finished feeding, pulling himself away from my breast and giving a soft cry. He isn't very loud though, baby, only at first to get attention and then he goes back to soft whimpers. I was just finishing burping him when a soft knock came at the door and the door opened slightly. The doctor had come in a little earlier and gave me the green light to go Finn, but I'm just waiting for someone to pick me up. I'm not sure whose doing it though, whoever it is though I hope they get here soon. I'm ready to lay in my own bed. What was our bed.

I looked up to see your Mom poke her head in the door, a smile on her face. Part of me is really relieved to see her Finn. Your mom knows what she's doing. I'm trying to soak up everything she's trying to teach me Finn. She raised you. And I want to raise Liam to be the same kind of man you were Finn. Because you were the best man I've ever known.

She walked over and smiled when she got to us.

"May I?" She asked, gesturing to Liam. I smiled up at her and nodded as she took him from my arms. Do you see how perfect your mom is with him Finn? She loves being a grandmother, just like she loved being your Mom. I adjusted the gown I was wearing and started to slowly get out of the chair as Burt poked his head in. I smiled when I saw him and he came in, hurrying to help me up from the chair.  
"Thanks. I'll be ready to go in a few minutes, I just have to change...he woke up and..."  
Burt waved his hand, and helped me over to the bathroom, grabbing my bag for me.  
"Take your time. We got things in here and your father's are setting up at the apartment" I could only nod. I was going to miss their help when they left. But I had to learn to be strong, like ripping off a bandaid right? God, I wish you were here right now.

The bathroom was cold, chilly even. Burt had placed the bag on top of the small vanity that was in there as I had walked in. I dug through the bag, the contents already shuffled about as I had dug out Liam's clothes earlier. I sighed when I saw that all I had packed months before were yoga pants and a baggy t-shirt. I dressed slowly, savoring the time on my own. When I looked at my reflection in the mirror, I almost wanted to cry. Finn, these last 9 months have been so hard on me; but you already know that. But now I see how I look. I look tired and there are evident bags under my eyes that I can only presume are going to get worse over the next. My hair is a mess and I try my best to just brush it through and pull it into a ponytail at the back of my head. I wash my face in an attempt to just freshen up and when I'm satisfied with the results I pack my bag and leave the room slowly again. The scene in front of me gives me chill bumps.

Are you watching this? Your mom is sitting in the recliner I had just left, Liam huddled to her chest. Even from my vantage point across the room I can tell there are tears running down your mom's cheeks. I can't hear, but it looks like she's talking softly to Liam. Burt hovered above her, a look of pure fascination on his face. All because of our son Finn. All because two people loved each other enough to create something so beautiful.

I didn't want to break up the moment, but I really want to go home. I cleared my throat and they both looked up at me, Carol has a sad smile on her face.  
"All set?"  
I slowly nodded and walked slowly over to where your parents and Liam are. I smile down at the baby, he looks so content just laying there in his Nana's arms.

*

I've never been so glad to see our front door Finn. Your mom unlocked the door with the key she had while I clutched the handle of Liam's car seat. I was so nervous to set in all of a sudden. This was it. This was the beginning of my new normal. God, why did normal have to change?

The door swung open and we all stepped in as a group. My dads just peaked out of the kitchen and each let out a happy sigh when we came into view.  
"Little star" They whispered as they both converged on me. I allowed them to envelop me into a hug, Liam's car seat still tightly in my hands. He'd passed out on the car ride over.  
They both pulled away and the sad smiles that mirrored their features were much like the ones I had seen on Burt and Carol's faces when they arrived to pick me up. I guess I should get used to it, eh Finn? Receiving everyone's pitying glances? I guess that's one pro to staying in New York. Not everyone will be privy to my situation, and our history. God, we shouldn't just be a history.

They ushered me into the living room. Ha, it felt funny to be ushered into my own home but oddly it feels comforting.  
They both pulled away and the sad smiles that mirrored their features were much like the ones I had seen on Burt and Carol's faces when they arrived to pick me up. I guess I should get used to it, eh Finn? Receiving everyone's pitying glances? I guess that's one pro to staying in New York. Not everyone will be privy to my situation, and our history. God, we shouldn't just be a history.

They ushered me into the living room. Ha, it felt funny to be ushered into my own home but oddly it feels comforting.  
They both pulled away and the sad smiles that mirrored their features were much like the ones I had seen on Burt and Carol's faces when they arrived to pick me up. I guess I should get used to it, eh Finn? Receiving everyone's pitying glances? I guess that's one pro to staying in New York. Not everyone will be privy to my situation, and our history. God, we shouldn't just be a history.

They ushered me into the living room. Ha, it felt funny to be ushered into my own home but oddly it feels comforting. I collapsed on the couch after setting the car seat on the floor in front of me and just stared at Liam. Is this how unconditional love feels? I could just stare at him all day Finn, sleeping or not. He is just so amazing. I hope you get a chance to stare at him too. I know you're watching us Finn. Keep us safe. Please. I collapsed on the couch after setting the car seat on the floor in front of me and just stared at Liam. Is this how unconditional love feels? I could just stare at him all day Finn, sleeping or not. He is just so amazing. I hope you get a chance to stare at him too. I know you're watching us Finn. Keep us safe. Please.


	7. Can't Catch A Break

**Chapter 7**  
**A/N - I wrote this while watching "The Breakup" episode from season 4. Sorry if it's super angsty.**

Colic.  
Liam has colic Finn.  
Well, that's what Dr. Ballas calls it anyway. I'd been so desperate for an answer to the incessant crying that I'd taken our perfect little thing for his first non-booster shot related doctor's appointment.  
But having a label for it does not mean it's suddenly easier.  
He screams. And I mean he **screams. **  
Remember when I told you he was a quiet crier Finn? That day in the hospital before I got to bring him home? Well, God was I ever wrong. He has strong lungs Finn and they are something fierce, all high pitched and ear piercing. I'm really surprised I haven't gotten an eviction notice from Tommy, our landlord. Maybe he's just taking pity on me because he knows you're gone and everyone else has left and I'm doing all of this on my own.

He's eight weeks old Finn and I just don't know if I can do this anymore. Remember I said he screams? He'll wake up fine, around 6am and will be a happy smiley baby until about noon.  
And then it doesn't. stop.  
It's been two weeks since it started Finn and I'm tired. I'm exhausted and spent. I can't tell you the last time I showered for longer than ten seconds at the crack of dawn or when I've been able to snag either Kurt or Blaine for just a few minutes of a peace and quiet. Usually when I get them I go and hide out in their apartment on their couch so I can just sleep in silence. And that makes me feel so incredibly guilty that I usually don't end up sleeping for long anyways. I can hear him scream from across the hall and it lights my nerves and my soul on fire.

I feel so helpless. Nothing I do works, I've tried everything in the books, everything Dr. Ballas suggested. He doesn't eat much at night because he is so incredibly agitated. Your mom suggested gripe water because it might be gas related, and while that worked for about ten minutes it hasn't done much since. I've tried giving up on the idea of breast feeding him and trying formula but that doesn't seem to make anything better.

Kurt and Blaine are over this afternoon because I haven't showered in days and I feel incredibly gross and I really, really just need to get out for a few minutes. I'm almost out of diapers and he's almost at the point where the newborn ones are a tad too small. So that's why I'm standing here Finn. In the bathroom, with the shower running so they think I'm shaving my legs or something equally as girly and I'm just sitting here, my head in my hands and tears streaming down my cheeks. God, look at me running from my 8 week old colicky son. How good does this look Finn?

I collect myself after a few minutes and actually do shower but the tears don't stop. Finn, I never imagined this would be so hard to do on my own. I'm used to being Rachel Berry, ever so confident, classic over achiever who knows what she wants and how to get it. I mean, it got me you, right? But I feel so incredibly out of control, so frazzled and he's just a little baby for God's sake. But he's your baby...and you're not here and I think that's why I'm having so much trouble just _dealing _with all of this. I miss you so much Finn. I wish you were here. And yes, I mean literally right here in this shower with me. I mean, we spent plenty of time in here together...not _together_ all the time. Those were some of my favourite memories Finn. Us just being us.  
God, I miss us. I wish for us Finn.

I finished my shower and hastily got dressed in the clean clothes I had brought with me. I pair of yoga pants and a slouchy lavender long sleeved top over a clean nursing bra. I still stare at myself in the mirror. God, I can't even recognize myself Finn. I had promised myself when I was younger that I would not be the kind of mother who lost herself for the sake of her child. I guess promises and plans change when we grow up right? Or when life plays the cruelest joke in the history of the world on you and only _they_ get the punch line.  
I threw on some tinted moisturizer on my face in an attempt to look human even though I didn't even remotely feel it, pulled my wet hair back in a ponytail and left the bathroom. I walked out into the living room to find that Blaine and Kurt seemed to have everything under control. By the grace of whatever God was responsible Liam's screams had become dull whimpers and the guys had managed to get him to just chill in his swing. They both smiled up at me tentatively when I stepped in the room.  
"Well, I'll be back soon. I'm just going over to CVS. I'm going to grab some diapers and maybe..."  
"Just go Rachel" Kurt smiled at me. "We've got it under control here" Blaine nodded his agreement. I could only nod. I moved towards the door, grabbing a coat from the hook on the wall before grabbing my purse and keys.  
"Well, I'll be back." Instead of walking over to the swing to kiss his little forehead, I gave a half hearted wave and left the apartment. I didn't want to tempt fate and make him scream again. With any luck he would be asleep when I got back and MAYBE Kurt and Blaine would hang around for me to have a nap too. Maybe today would be my lucky day.

But it wasn't. God Finn, can't I catch a break?  
When I got back from the store I could hear Liam's ear splitting scream the moment I stepped off the elevator. Normal people would have broke into a sprint at the sound of their baby crying the way ours was Finn but God, I wish I was deaf. And my heart broke because I felt this way but God...I opened the door to find Blaine walking the floor with Liam clutched in his arms, his tiny face beat red and clinging desperately to the plain gray t-shirt that Blaine was wearing. A toilet flushing told me where Kurt was when I came in. Blaine looked up at me as I dropped every bag I was carrying on the floor. I walked tentatively towards Blaine and opened my arms, wincing as the screaming newborn was placed in my arms. His screaming dulls ever so slightly and I clutch him to my chest and take him into his pale blue nursery and sink into the rocking chair there. The second the baby was in my arms Kurt and Blaine had hightailed it after saying goodbye. Guess it was too much to hope for a nap, eh Finn? Liam immediately went for my chest and started to settle so I assumed maybe he was a little hungry. I got situated quickly before his cries escalated again and felt a wash of relief when he immediately latched on and started to feed. I could almost feel the tears racing down my cheeks as I closed my eyes with relief. Sweet relief. I opened my eyes and looked down at the baby, running my thumb along his cheek as he fed.  
"I love you Liam Finn" I whispered. Maybe, just maybe it would be okay.  
It would be okay wouldn't it Finn?


End file.
